Friendship is a beautiful thing. There are many things that make friendship great, but what makes it healthy?
The healthy friendship boundaries is a term that has been used to describe the physical and emotional distance between two people. It can be difficult to determine if your friend’s behavior is healthy or not, but there are some general markers to look for.
Unsplash photo by Precious Madubuike
One day, while mindlessly browsing around Instagram, I stumbled upon a post by the great writer Yung Pueblo about friendship that resonated to me.
While the post itself was very straightforward, “3 characteristics of a good friend,” I recall taking a snapshot of it (as I often do to later remind myself of something) and returning to it many times since:
“You don’t have to put on a show for them. During difficult times, they hold room for you. They are overjoyed with your success.”
I can honestly state that these three indicators are present in all of the current close connections I have in my life at the age of thirty-six. This isn’t to say that I’ve always had it easy when it comes to making friends. Rather, as I’ve become older, I’ve become more selective in who I associate with and surround myself with. And sometimes it means saying goodbye to people that don’t always make you feel warm and fuzzy, even if you have a history together.
While Yung Pueblo correctly identified three telltale indicators of a good friend, based on my own experiences, I’d want to expand on that list and explain what additional markers suggest a strong relationship.
They are not a people that dwell in the past.
I had the good fortune to live and work in New York City while I was in my early twenties. During that time, one of my best friends was a buddy I had met while studying abroad in London the year before, who also happened to move to New York the same summer I did. We were inseparable for the two years I stayed there. She was my bar companion, brunch companion, shopping companion, and wingwoman.
I really felt like I had found a lifelong friend since we had so much fun together. It wasn’t until I left New York and went to Europe that I realized how much more difficult it was to keep in contact, owing to the time difference. This was not due to anyone’s fault; it was just the way things were.
We managed to contact on occasion and would make plans to meet one other when I visited New York, where she remained. I also introduced her to one of my high school classmates, who ended up relocating to New York as well, and the two became fast friends, much to my pleasure.
But I started to realize that every time I went to New York, she just wanted to speak about the “good ol’ days” and reminisce about all the hilarious experiences we had in common, which were many.
One of her favorite methods to bring up our colorful history was to say, “Do you remember that time when…” While I like catching up with old acquaintances, I became keenly conscious that we weren’t (and hadn’t) spoken about our current lives.
I noticed there was never any discussion about my life in Europe, my current partner, or what it was like to live in a place where English was not the primary language. Instead, she reminisced about our favorite Meatpacking District club, where we knew the beautiful bartenders and received far too many free drinks. (Many thanks to Jason!)
A strong relationship can (and should) survive the ebbs and flows of time, regardless of whether or not you have met in person. A true friend, I’ve discovered, should appreciate and acknowledge your own development rather than avoiding it.
I recall feeling sad at that moment, thinking I was sitting across from someone who used to know everything there was to know about me but didn’t seem to care about the woman I’d grown into. “Oh, but that was so long ago!” I said, trying to lighten the mood. “How is life treating you now?” I said, but she didn’t pick up on my innuendos. She appeared to enjoy living in the past with her pals rather than in the present.
She must have sensed the change as well, since we never saw one other again after that visit in 2015, even when I temporarily returned to New York in 2016. We didn’t have a major falling out, and we didn’t gossip about each other, despite the fact that she’s still in touch with that high school buddy. We just floated along, neither of us fighting the oncoming flood.
So, what is the lesson to be learned from this anecdote? It’s the idea that a strong relationship can (and should) survive the passage of time, regardless of whether or not you’ve met in person. A true friend, I’ve discovered, should appreciate and acknowledge your own development rather than avoiding it.
They treat you harshly.
As far as I’m concerned, no one enjoys being chastised. When it comes to your closest friends, this is particularly true. However, I am a strong believer that the ability to give you a good dosage of “tough love” is what distinguishes a superficial friend from a true friend.
This implies they can tell you precisely what they’re thinking without making you cry. This isn’t to say that your buddy should berate you or make you feel small, especially if it’s on a subject you’re sensitive about (ahem, that man who you know isn’t really into you but you can’t seem to accept it).
It’s more about responsibility and putting up that harsh mirror, which may be difficult to look at at times. While harsh love is often misinterpreted as an assault, I’ve discovered that it all comes down to what you say and how you say it. When I’m providing tough love to a buddy, I want to weave in personal anecdotes to show her that I understand what she’s going through. To put it another way, it may assist to soften the impact of what I’m about to say (ahem, the bitter truth).
Tough love, in my opinion, is a mix of self-disclosure and mild reprimands. This translates to you or your buddy being able to bring out some of the less-than-ideal things you’re doing in a loving, I’m-here-for-you manner.
They pay attention.
Listen with the intention of understanding rather than responding.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever attempted to strike up a conversation only to find that the other person has shifted the subject back to themselves? Imagine this situation with a purported “genuine” buddy, which may be aggravating in a job or even a casual context. I’ve been there and done that.
Conversations with genuine friends, in my experience, are not one-sided. It’s all about being an active listener and establishing a two-way conversation in which you both feel heard and listened to. Have you noticed how I utilized the term “active” in my sentence? An active listener is someone who actively listens to the other person who is speaking, validating them and their emotions in the process.
Conversations with genuine friends, in my experience, are not one-sided. It’s all about being an active listener and establishing a two-way conversation in which you both feel heard and listened to.
This does not necessarily imply that you can listen to a buddy speak for hours on end about a subject about which they are passionate, but rather that you can listen to what they say and respond thoughtfully. However, there are instances when a response isn’t even required. It’s sometimes simply about holding space for your friends when they need it the most, as Yung Pueblo advises.
Friendships that are healthy lead to a longer life.
When I was looking into the advantages of friendship, I came across an article in The New York Times on how friendships may really help us live longer.
I don’t know what more to say if this isn’t a cause to surround ourselves with people that raise us up rather than pull us down. All I know is that without my friends’ unwavering support, devotion, and love (yes, even harsh love! ), I wouldn’t be where I am now.
The Primary Markers of a Healthy Friendship is a blog post about how to identify the different markers of healthy friendships. It includes a quizlet that you can take to see if your friendship is healthy or not. Reference: healthy friendships quizlet.
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Frequently Asked Questions
What are signs of a healthy friendship?
One sign of a healthy friendship is that you are able to be yourself and open up with the other person.
What are 4 qualities of a healthy friendship?
What is healthy friendship?
A healthy friendship is one where both people are willing to work together for the good of the other.
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